i try the boulevard

It was quite a sad evening. In two days I would be gone. On a plane and gone...well...for a while. So The Boss, Smalls and I went to The Boulevard for one last hurrah. The Boulevard is located where The Floreat Hotel used to be. The decor is nice and sophisticated without being wanky or arrogant. We were given the choice of sitting inside or outside and then shown to our table. Our waitress was friendly and helpful. We did ask a lot of wine-related questions. For each question she happily strolled away somewhere and found the answer. The Boulevard has a good, solid selection of wines so it's understandable that she didn't know everything about every bottle but a basic knowledge of grape variety is probably necessary. Just saying...We ended up sharing a bottle of Jamsheed 'Pepe Le Pinot' Pinot Noir ($45).

Smalls and The Boss had been to The Boulevard on previous occasions. The menu is divided up into several sections: "To Share", "Pizza", "Mains", "Salads" and (of course) "dessert". It is nice that they are trying to cater to all levels of hunger. However, sometimes it is dificult to pinpoint what that level is, or whether the occasion is an entree-main-dessert type occassion or more of a share-and-share-and-share type occasion. We decided to do a combo of the two and share an entree of salt and pepper squid with lemon aioli ($16.50, pictured), then order individual mains.

I have a penchant for salt and pepper squid and have seen some very interesting looking versions of the dish. So, I'll be honest. This squid didn't look that great on the plate. The plate was enormous and the squid rings were quite small. It certainly wasn't love at first sight. But as we began to nibble away at it I realised why they say "never judge a book by its cover". And, although the squd rings were strangely small they were tender, the batter was light and crispy and the aoili had the perfect amount of garlic. I could've easily devoured the whole plate myself.

Our mains arrived shortly after our squid. There was no way Smalls was ever going to pass up gnocci. On this particular occassion it was accompanied by crispy skin barramundi ($36.50, pictured).

As the menu promised the skin on the Barramundi was lovely and crispy and the flesh cooked as fish should be. It was surrounded by plump, golden pillows of home-made gnocci. I'm not a gnocci person but Smalls is the gnocci guru. She gave it her tick of approval.

To be honest I can't for the life of me remember what The Boss ordered. But it looked like this:

I think it was duck. Or maybe chicken. Either way it was cooked beautifully. The Boss said it was lovely and juicy. And the seasonal vegie salad on the side was simple, colourful and also cooked beautifully. All the vegies had just a slight crunch and were lightly coated in a subtle dressing. My dish was chicken salad with vermicelli noodles, purple cabbage, roast capsicum, lime and coriander (pictured below).

It was a massive serve. They were generous with the chicken. And the noodles. There were a lot of noodles. And, to me vermicelli noodles don't really taste like anything. They are a good addition but should not be the key ingredient. Other than that it was exactly what I felt like. It was fresh and perfect for the balmy evening it was. The dressing was also rather delicious.

I have to admit I wasn't that impressed with the dessert menu. It's not that I'm not a dessert person. No no. I'm a dessert person through and through. But there was nothing on the menu that jumped out at me. I would've happily passed and found sweets elsewhere. But Smalls and The Boss decided on dessert anyway.

We switched back to our original arrangement and decided to share spanish doughnuts, chocolate sauce, vanilla anglaise ($14.50) and creme brulee ($14.50, pictured). The desserts came out in good time. I couldn't help but laugh at the spanish doughnuts. They were the ugliest things I had ever seen. They were huge. I've had churros before and The Boulevard's version didn't match the original. They were alright. Nothing to write home about. The serving was definitely too much for one. Between the three of us we didn't finish them. The anglaise was absolutely delicious. The doughnuts: average. But the creme brulee...oh the creme brulee. It was amazing. Our spoons cracked through the crunchy coating of sugar. It was delicious, rich and creamy without being sickly. Forget the doughnuts. Stick with the brulee.

It was probably just as well the brulee was so good. As we said goodbyes the delicious flavour of the brulee still lingered. It was still sad. We agreed that next we would test the pizza. I smiled knowing that "next time" would be quite a while away....and...next time I'll just get a serve of squid and a brulee and I'll be set.

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i try driving from melbourne to sydney

The trip was planned with precision timing. A bus, a bus, then a train, then a plane, then a bus, then a train, then a bus, then a 40 minute walk. Departing my house at 5.30am I would greet the truck carrying my beloved car (who I have named Lucille) as it drove into the gate at 11.30am. I would spend a night in Victoria then leave the next morning for Sydney.

The plan was fraught with possible problems. Although, in my head (my little, fanciful, everything-will-go-perfectly-head) I didn't consider any of them. I had made it as far as my last train ride before things started to go wrong.

The truckie rang to say he was going to be late. Six hours late. And so i spent the day amusing myself in Werribee. Yes, Werribee. For non-Victorians, Werribee is a small town halfway between Melbourne and Geelong. How can I put this delicately? It's a hole. I remember going to the Werribee Waste Treatment Plant for a school excursion once. Enough said. It was cold in Werribee and I was not dressed appropriately. The bead shop was the most interesting place in the town and I don't even like beads. Funnily enough it was having a closing down sale. I don't think I have ever spent so much time in a bead shop before. I don't think I ever will again.

So, after spending the day testing out every single cafe in Werribee I was back on the train heading to Newport (another town where I swear there is something in the air makes you feel glum). From Newport I caught a bus to Altona North and then began a forty minute walk to the depot where my car was being dropped off.

Now, I'm not a lazy person. I have been known to go on adventures that involve walking much further than forty minutes. But, I had been up since 4.30am. I had experienced enough public transport to make up for all the public transport I never took in WA. I was absolutely aching for the toilet. And, my tolerance had completely given way. I was angry. I was sick of carrying my over-night bag. I was busting for the toilet. And, as much I tried to be excited about getting my car it was just easier to be really really pissed off.

As I walked angrily down the road and rounded a bend, the footpath came to an abrupt end. I was met by a reserve of overgrown shrubbery and a creek. A creek! Why is there a creek there?! Why! I looked for a way around. I pulled out my phone to call a cab. I'm not going to lie. At this point, I was ready to break down and cry as the hold music went on and on and on. I hung up and sat down on fence post wondering what the hell I was going to do next. It was one of the few times I really didn't know what to do. I just sat there staring at the bitumen. The full sensation in my bladder was ever-present and reminding I aso needed to find a toilet. My brain was empty. I had nothing. Not even an option.

But, minutes later, an option came running by me in the form of a middle-aged man. Without even thinking I walked hastily over to him and asked him for help. He must've heard the seriously-I'm-about-to-cry-please-help-me tone in my voice. He said he owned a gym around the corner and he could drive me too my car from there.

He did. I survived. And, he was genuinely a really nice guy. Next stop: Sydney! Well, just as soon as I construct a makeshift number plate because my front number plate seems to be missing. WTF? Who does that? The lady at DPI scolded me because I said I was going to drive my car anyway. "You can't drive it!" she said. Stupid lady. I was driving to Sydney with a number plate or without. Next stop: Sydney!

The first six hours of driving were fairly easy. I discovered the luxury of cruise control and had a good sound track. I think I was just really happy to have Lucille back and have an empty bladder. The sun was beginning to set so I pulled into a little town called Gundagai for the night. Gundagai is a picturesque little town about halfway between Melbourne and Sydney. From what I gathered it is famous for three things: two old bridges and a statue of a dog on a box. Don't feel bad. I'd never heard of them either.

The next morning, in a moment of inspiration and determination, I decided to climb Mount Parnassis. It was walking distance from my motel and I figured it would be the best thing to wake me up before I continued onto Sydney. I awoke to a thick blanket of fog engulfing...well...eveything. None the less I set off to climb up the mountain anyway. When I got to the top it was...magic. I stood mesmerised. I was watching the sun rise in the distance. The tops of surrounding mountains were breaking through the thick blanket of fog that I was now above. I felt light. Everything stopped. Everything was still. It felt like there was nothing else in the world.

Unfortunately I had to get myself to Sydney so I ventured back down into the fog and headed off towards Sydney. Ha ha easier said than done when you are driving at 110km into this:

The visibility was reduced to about 50m for a good 45 minutes. It was a little scary but I was much more terrified of the Sydney toll roads. There were a lot of close calls where I just happened to be in the right lane, a lot of panicking and a lot of looking back over my shoulder wondering if I was supposed to go that way. I did make it to the northern beaches eventually. I aged a few years in the process but I did get there.

i try scuba diving

No, not my most glamorous moment. This was something I have wanted to do for a while. My brother and I tackled it together. Simon (from Mindarie Dive Academy) was our instructor. He was a hilarious Englishman. He talked at a million miles an hour and laughed louder than anyone I've ever met. There were two other blokes in our group: Tony and Barry. If you wanted the perfect example of a classic aussie block these two would be perfect. They were genuine and friendly, and happy to take the piss out of each other. Good value.

Some people I mentioned diving to said it made them feel chlaustrophobic. For me it is the opposite. You are surrounded by an endless blue that goes forever and ever. There is something very magical and humbling about the ocean.

However, due to bad weather our first dive was in the river. The visibilty was 1.5m at the most. It was gross. Luckily, our instructor was just as keen to get all our skills done as quick as possible. Memo to self: never, EVER dive in the river...unless you are looking for a watch.

Our second dive was in the ocean near Burns Rocks. It was a beautiful day. The visibility still wasn't amazing but it was definitely better than the river. After our second dive we sat on the boat waiting for other divers to resurface. When they did they brought some seals with them. Simon and I popped on fins and snorkels and jumped in. Swimming with seals is something everyone should do. They love to play and copy you. If you somersault, they will somersault. If you dive down, they will dive down. If you sit still and watch them, they will get bored and swim away.

But, if you launch yourself out of the water, they will do it too. Or maybe I just have an undiscovered gift. I knew I had to have a talent somewhere, lying dorment all these years. And here it is. Miranda McCurry: seal impersonator extraordinaire. Magic.

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i try a day spa

Freeway. Freeway. More freeway. Then through an industrial area. Then past treeless housing developments that are a maze of culdesacs and streets with weird names like Kareela Meander, Tussock Elbow and Lauderdale Ramble. The houses begin to thin and the road is suddenly lined with trees. As you approach the entrance you become immersed in a lush, green, tranquil oasis in the middle of the toxic, concrete desert of suburbia. This is Onyesha.


The pebblestone drive winds it's way through the stunning gardens where you park among large pinetrees. The gardens appear to be endless. The outside world could competely vanish and you wouldn't even know. Already I am starting to feel relaxed.
Today, Louise* (yes, that is the same Louise from the Pickled Fig and Meeka) and I are getting a full body dry brushing exfloiation, full body wrap using luxurious plant essences and aromatherapy oils. This is followed up with a back, neck, shoulder and scalp massage.
Onyesha has several hidden pavillions, gazebos and cottages where treatments take place. Today, we are escorted to the balinese pavillion. A stoney path leads us through old wooden doors to a pavillion surrounded by dense greenery.






We are politely instructed to step behind a change screen, remove our clothes (leaving on our underwear) and wrap a large sarong around us. Chioni is my beautician/masseuse/therapist for today. She allows me to choose the oil for the massage. I select "contour" because it's supposed to remove toxins. I figure there'll be a few of those in my skin.


The scrub was lovely and the massage even better. Chioni would occasionally check in to see if the massage pressure was ok or to ask me to turn over. A couple of times she asked me to take three deep breathes. It was only the second time that I realised she was holding essential oils under my nose as a breathed in. The trees gently rustled in the soft morning breeze. Birds were whistling. And, yes, I was falling asleep. We were then invited to get changed and enjoy a complimentary cup or tea and treat in the garden. As we sipped our tea I could see a magnificent lake peaking through the trees. I followed a path down to it. A gazeebo stood in the middle covered in roses. I think I might request that one next time.





There is something really magical about this place. Time stops. Nothing is rushed. You feel like you could be the only people in the world. Despite this Onyesha is only 30 minutes from the CBD. I don't know how long we sat in the garden. I know my heart-rate slowed, my shoulders loosened and for a short while I had no worries at all.






*name changed. Not for privacy reasons. Just because I love a good pseudonym.


Onyesha Spa
26 Pinelake Trail,
Mariginiup, WA
http://www.onyesha.com/

i try flying a plane

I have to admit there aren't many people I know who would be willing to get in a plane with me knowing that I would be the one flying the plane. You're a brave man Bradley Rogan. Before we left Brad and I had a conversation that went a little like this...

Me: It says on the information sheet that aerobatics are optional.(pause)
Both of us: Well, they're not.
Me: So are we going to be doing loops and barrrel rolls and the ones where you spin around and around when you're falling?
At this point Brad looked at me with a little grin and a rather mischievious glint in his eyes.
Brad: What's this "we"? You're the one that'll be flying.

Several rows of planes sat lined up on the tarmac. We walked towards a little Cessna 152. Evidently Captain Brad had already set the plane up and done all the checks. We sat in the cockpit and Brad began pointing out gauges, buttons, levers and peddles. He set me up with headphones and checked my seat position. His plan for the flight went like this:

"So I'll get you to take off. Then we'll head over the coast, head north a little, then come back over the ocean and head towards Cockburn sound. Once we're there I'll do a loop, then you can do a loop, I'll do a barrel roll, then you can do a barrel roll. We'll just have a bit of a play then we'll head back and I'll get you to land it."

I'm smiling and nodding as Brad is telling me this. But a little voice inside my head is starting to wonder if he knows I've never flown a plane before. Surely, he knows. Surely. Although he does seem to have a lot of faith in my ability...my non-existant ability. I just keep smiling and nodding anyway.

Brad gets me to start the plane and drive it towards the runaway after we are granted clearance by the control tower. Turns out I am a bit of retard at taxiing the plane. I kept trying to steer it with the wheel. "So?" I hear you ask. Ah, see a plane is not a car and when you're on the ground you steer the plane with pedals...at your feet. Weird. I had issues with it. But, luckily Brad had his own set of pedals and was able to help me steer it. He also had to remind me a few times that planes drive in the middle of the road. They don't have to keep to left (memo to self: once again planes are not cars).

We did make it to the runway and into the air. Brad was giving me instructions: when we reach this speed do this and then do this. Once this happens do this. And there we were. Flying in our little plane with me at the wheel. We were flying and we weren't falling! Just as Brad had said we flew towards the coast, then north for a bit, then we swung around and headed south towards Cockburn Sound. Once we were above Cockburn Sound Brad started explaining how to do a loop. His tone was so casual he might've been explaining to me how to knit a sweater. I'm starting to believe I might actually be able to do this.

Brad demonstrates the loop first, explaining to me what he is doing as he doing it. With nothing to hold onto I decide I may as well hold onto my camera and film the loop. Brad points the nose towards the ground to build up the air speed. Once we are going fast enough he pulls the controls out and the ground disappears. I can feel the g-forces pushing me from all sides then the ground appears again and we are back level.




"Now, your turn," Brad says. And in that same relaxed, no-big-deal-it's-just-a-loop-at-1000ft tone he tells me what to do. And I did it. And we didn't die! It was at that moment I realised this would not be the last time I flew a plane. I was hooked.

We do the same scenario with a barrel roll then combine the two together. We do a couple more manouvers then head back towards the airport. Brad points me in the right direction and makes a call to the control tower as we come over the power station. He explains how there are entrances and exits to the airport, just like a car park.

Right, so I just want you to head straight for the piano keys," Brad says, as we line up the runway and begin to descend. "And, when we just above the ground we point the nose up a little. I'll talk you through it" So, there I am, steering a plane towards white lines on a road 1000ft below me while Brad calmly gives me short directions like 'little to the left', 'just bring her down a bit', 'yep, that's good'. It probably wasn't the smoothest landing but I did it. Luckily, Brad helped me work the pedals to keep the plane straight once we on the ground. Actually, he pretty much did that for me. As we parked the little plane back in line with all the others I already felt like going up again.

The final verdict: I can do a barrel roll and a loop but I'm a bit shit at driving the plane on the ground.

Special thanks to The Boss. Petee you are a legend!